— By Advocate Savina R. Crasto
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but I’m not ready to be institutionalized!”
-Mae West, Wit & Wisdom of Mae West
INTRODUCTION
Marriage is an institution of Society. There was a time when marriage meant everything to a woman. Marriage was a surefire way for women to know that they would have enough to eat, shelter over their heads and financial support to raise children. But deeper than that, marriage played a significant psychological role for women: It defined women’s sense of self in a way nothing else could. This is because marriage meant a “complete” life; the very act of being married provided a genuinely fulfilling, validating and psychologically rewarding experience for most women.
However, like all other institutions, the military, the church, and even the institutes of higher learning, it does not truly welcome women or even the voices of women. Society has a stake in keeping a woman a Wife with a capital “W.” Thus, women are beginning to realize the role of Wife has little to offer them.
That brings to mind few questions. Why is marriage considered to be such an important institution in India? Why is a woman desiring a certain kind of life partner for herself and so staying single till she finds him or by opting out of a bad marriage for perfectly valid reasons, always looked down upon? Why are women accused of being selfish, picky, unaccommodating and un-adjusting when all we are doing is living “our” life the way we want to? Why do single women have to be glared upon in this manner? Marriage is not necessary in a woman’s life; they can live their life happily fulfilling their purpose here on earth.
This paper focuses on the different reasons why marriage as our Society touts it now is not compulsory for the woman of today and the need for the empowerment of unmarried women.
REASONS FOR CHOOSING SINGLEDOM
A lot has changed since the 70s. Marriage is no longer the hallowed institution it once was. The main reasons for why women need marriage less are:
- Greater numbers of unmarried couples are living together
- Women want late marriages and children
- Feminism
- Women have better paying jobs and brighter career opportunities
- Greater numbers of women are choosing to become single mothers, either through adoption or insemination with donor sperm
- Women are more independent all the way around.
- The divorce rate has climbed, the number of unhappy marriages that remain has climbed, and so the happiness of single women has climbed
- Women are waiting longer to get married to finish their education
- Women are no longer dependant on their husband for financial support
FAMILY AND UNMARRIED WOMEN
In these times, an increasing number of women tend to be single for long periods of time, or simply wait for a longer time before they get married. While society doesn’t seem to mind this when it comes to males, females, even today, are very likely to still experience the effects of the “spinster” stigma. A mark can be identified in the age of 25. Before women reach that age, it is more socially-acceptable of them not to marry.
But, as this “threshold” is reached, they begin to come under increased amounts of pressure from family and friends, as well as other people. Those around them suddenly become very inquisitive as to why they are single, and what their plans for the future are. Family pressure and expectations leading to severe psychological distress, as well as anxiety and depression are strong reasons why most of the women marry.
SOCIETY AND UNMARRIED WOMEN
A never-married woman in India is never assumed to be unattractive because arranging the marriage is generally a family enterprise. So people assume that there wasn’t enough dowry, not the right match, irresponsible parents, a wrong astrological chart and so forth. Perhaps this is one reason that most Indians, even the educated, urban elite, still favor arranged marriage, although perhaps in modified form with some personal choice involved.
A single woman in India automatically attracts a multitude of tags and most of these from the people she would have least expected; old friends, extended family, people who have grown up with you, people who have seen you grow up. Why is it so difficult for society them to “see” them beyond the conventions of age and relationship status. Due to this many single women give up on attending family gatherings, or partly attend it with an I-don’t-care attitude and partly with the inability to come up with any answers and justifications for all the allegedly well-meaning concerns that they may be bombarded with.
STATUS OF DIVORCED WOMEN
Divorced, separated, deserted and unmarried women are treated the worst in our society and those among them who are poor don’t have anything to fall back on,” said Ginny Shrivastava, the coordinator of the National Forum for Single Women’s Rights that had arranged the convention. There is still a stigma attached with a woman’s divorced’ status in the matrimonial market. Families and friends perceive her as ‘second hand merchandise’.
Many a times it happens that someone who gets married to a divorcee women faces adjustment issues in a social circuit that hesitates to change loyalties with the earlier partner and perceives the current with resentment and hostile behaviour. As a new member she gets subjected to embarrassment and neglect. For a divorce to have more positive effects on a woman than negative, she must make the most of the chance to change her life for the better. Every single decision a woman makes after divorce, from where to live to how to increase her income, is an important part of her life.
STATUS OF WOMEN IN A LIVE-IN-RELATIONSHIP
A living arrangement is one in which an unmarried couple lives together for a long-term relationship that resembles a marriage. Couples cohabit, rather than marry, for a variety of reasons. They may want to test their compatibility before they commit to a legal union. They may want to maintain their single status for financial reasons. In other cases, the partners may feel that marriage is unnecessary. However, these women also face some of the same legal issues as married women.
The first case in which the Supreme Court of India first recognized live-in-relationship as a valid marriage was that of Badri Prasad vs. Dy. Director of Consolidation, 1978 AIR 1557 in which the Court gave legal validity to the a 50 year live in relationship of a couple. Recently, on Dec 1, 2013, a bench of Justices including Justice K S Radhakrishnan and Justice Pinaki Chandra Ghose said laying down certain guidelines said that though these guidelines are not exhaustive, these will definitely give some insight to such relationships.
The guidelines include presence of sexual relationship and children which mean, marriage like relationship refers to sexual relationship, not just for pleasure, but for emotional and intimate relationship, for procreation of children, so as to give emotional support, companionship and also material affection, caring etc.
However, according to Meenakshi Lekhi, a Supreme Court lawyer, there are pertinent issues involved here: “A woman in a live-in-relationship comes under the ambit of the Domestic Violence Act and right to maintenance as long as there isn’t a second relationship involved. The question then would be: Who is in a relationship with whom? If a married man enters into a live- in relationship, only the legal wife is eligible for benefits, the second woman gets none. So between the two women, who supersedes who? That’s the debate.”
Enforcement of Single and Unmarried Women’s Rights
Women constitute strategic segment of the society and our Constitution provides for a support mechanism in the shape of protective discrimination for them. However, despite various schemes of social upliftment and programmes of women empowerment, much is still to be done. It is felt that even amongst women, a large segment of single women, who include abandoned, widowed, deserted, separated, unmarried and divorced is more vulnerable to atrocities and general discrimination and is deprived of reaping the fruits of law and other schemes for want of awareness or due to illiteracy etc.
The atrocities faced by widowed women on the part of their in-laws after the death of husband are more acute, as they are caught between rigid social & religious customs. The challenges faced by the single women are manifold. The rights of single people—divorced never married, living alone, or persons living in relationship—are rapidly changing. Knowing their rights can help them protect themselves when it comes to owning property, finding an apartment, having children, dealing with employers, avoiding domestic entanglements, and more. Unmarried people are overlooked by national policies favoring married couples.
In fact, in Rajasthan, where the single women’s movement first started and gained maximum momentum, the Ashok Gehlot Government has already included divorced and deserted women under the pension scheme for widows. In Himachal Pradesh too, the widow’s pension scheme makes the benefits applicable to women who have been separated from their husbands for more than three years. In February, 2013, the Central Government has allocated an additional amount of Rs. 200crores to the Women and Child Development Ministry for single and other vulnerable women.
SUGGESTIONS
- Empowerment cannot be given on a golden platter, it should come from within. If we can’t change our circumstances, we need to change our perception of those circumstances. This means we have to stop viewing ’30 and single’ as something negative. Studies show that social influence has more power over women than anything. Nothing else remotely comes close. Even if a single woman thinks about her situation logically, society can come back at her with a biased opinion and blow that logic right out of the water.
- Marriage is not a race. It is not something to be rushed into. Marrying the wrong man can have a toll on a woman’s mental health, happiness and pocketbook. Its better off to take time and go at a pace one is comfortable with.
- There is no legal bar in India for women and men staying together, as it is matter of two consenting adults and live-in relationship is not socially accepted in India and still considered as taboo and sin. No one will give house for rent to couple, unless they are convinced that couple is legally married or unless they mislead the house owners that they are married. This attitude needs to be changed.
- Despite there being a law wherein single women in India are allowed to adopt, there are still many agencies across the country that makes it tough for single women. As the idea of two parents raising a child has been so ingrained in our minds, it’s tough for anyone to accept single motherhood very easily. There are still many institutions that refuse admission when the child does not have a birth certificate and a father’s name. It is not reasonable to assume all married couples will stay married, nor should it be presumed all singles will forever remain single. Instead advocates for adoption by single women note an individual’s character, strength and potential parenting capacity are better considered in providing a child with an adoptive home.
CONCLUSION
Marriage in India is more highly valued, but it is not necessary to impose marriage on two souls. Compatibility between spouses is not linked to finding a soul mate, but is seen as the result of patient work, along with family support. In India, personal happiness has less cultural significance, and is not linked to being coupled. Thus, marriage has become a social trap. Therefore, people adopt either a live in approach or choose to remain single. Society should think on it as time changes. Marriage is a free will choice, not a need for survival. There are a lot of women who have never married and are perfectly content.
Being single imposes no legal, physical or financial constraints. The effects are hundred percent mental. The day our mindset nurtures positive thoughts and learns to be receptive with a changed outlook, things would definitely change for better. To conclude, the sooner we realign our mindset to match reality, the sooner we can live the way we were meant to – confident, self-sufficient and happily ever after.